9:36pm

As I lay still atop of my bed in the silence staring up into the crevices of paint in my bedroom ceiling, I hear a faint hum of a train in the distance coming from the window. I just moved here so I’m new to the area and am not used to being around railroads, let alone living right next to one, so this would take some getting used to. As I seep into my thoughts, I delve into the dark edges of them and let them consume me. I imagine being stuck to the rusted, metallic, track, unable to move while the oncoming machine whirrs violently towards me. Maybe that’s unpleasant to some, but oddly therapeutic to me. After all, we can’t avoid the inevitable forever although some people may try.

It’s hard not to think about it. Death. The way it will feel when I take my last gasping breath and close my eyes one last time. Calm. Peaceful. It’s almost as if I long for it to come take me away from this dreadful place that I can’t seem to find a way out of.

If there’s one thing that I’ve come to realize during my time here, it’s that nothing kills a man faster than his own head.

Give a person some silence, a ceiling, their thoughts, and oh boy are they in for some serious damage. It’s almost as if the universe gave us a brain just so we could watch it slowly implode. Why are we here? What’s the point? We’re all broken and confused, searching for answers we won’t ever find.

After you’ve contemplated the inevitable, everything else is just background noise.

Questions and doubts sit in front of you like a giant light-up billboard sign making anything else you walk by practically invisible. How am I supposed to live when I don’t know if I should even be here in the first place?

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you are an ocean

Sitting in my Dad’s car driving home from a night with my friend of 10 years Makayla, I realize just how bad my mental state can get. A boulder slowly dropping as I ignore it hoping it will go away and then it drops in the worst of situations. I realized just how bad I was getting again, I say it’s like a flip of a switch but that’s a lie. I knew it was coming, I always do.

Self-hatred is a very hard thing to overcome especially when it seems as if everyone deals with it. We’re all just imperfect humans trying to get by while this perfect image is always displayed in front of us, we can’t avoid it no matter how hard we try. The real question is: what will you do with that image? Compare yourself? Maybe, try to be exactly like it? Subconsciously I think we all compare ourselves to it and that can fester overtime into full-blown mental health issues.

I am in no way bashing anyone by saying this I am just saying how I feel but I guess if you’re reading this then that’s what you want to hear right?

Superficial people who see things on the surface and never bother to dive deeper anger me. I can’t show you an ocean because all you’ll see is a flat, blue, wet thing. Ignoring the fact that it has a multitude of sea creatures with two thirds of them still unidentified, the rusted gold that’s just sitting in the sand somewhere human life hasn’t yet touched, the historic shipwrecks held underneath in pieces and fragments in the deepest depths of its trenches waiting to be discovered, the exciting first boat trip of a child and the very last of the ones who never came back. You can’t see something for what it is with just simply a glance, you can’t assume it’s worth just by it’s color or the amount of space it takes up.

So if the ocean is that complex, imagine what a human mind must consist of.

Memories, emotions, opinions, beliefs, accomplishments, passions, kindness, love.

We are more than just an image so stop comparing yourself to them, you are as deep and complex as the ocean even if people don’t care enough to dive in.

you are you

I’m currently sitting in my bathroom at 12am, paranoid of a tiny spec-sized bug whomst has given me many bites and hives all up and down my body. It seems like every week we have a new kind of buggy friend to join us in our beds at night. I hate Florida. We move in about 2 weeks which gives me about 2 more weeks of torture. I had to change my clothing and relocate out of the room I was in (not like it helped much) to get away from the pesky little things.

While slipping on a new, clean shirt I recalled a memory of a choir concert I had in 8th grade. We were all sitting outside of the large building in which we would soon perform, while gathering in lines to grab a pizza slice and drink. I was with my friend Roxy and we joined a few other girls and headed for the restrooms.

At the time, I was in an awful headspace and highly anxious with a nice side of self-deprecation. Long story short, I was pretty darn down about life and had issues with self-harm and body image. I was sweating bullets and wanted to act like a normal social teen so instead of reflecting inwardly, I had asked one of the girls whether I should keep my jacket on or off.

I slipped my silky, black cardigan off and asked her if I should keep it that way and very soon afterwards I wish I had not. The humility crept in faster than ever and she said no very abruptly almost making it seem as if I was an idiot for thinking that I could take it off in the first place. Once again, I had a very bad brain and I assumed I looked fat and that my arms were disgusting until it clicked. Scars. My scars.

Up and down my arms were lines of scars I inflicted upon myself when I was feeling my worst. Every scar on my arm held emotion reflecting on my skin in a way in which that girl could never possibly understand and it made me feel ashamed.

If you could get one thing out of reading this then let it be this:

Not everyone is going to like how you look, what you wear, what you’re going/gone through, how much you weigh, how tall you are, what color your hair is, heck even the type of music you listen to.

But that should not impact the way you perceive yourself. If anything, use it as a reminder that the world is a strangely, beautifully, diverse planet of people with many stories and you just happen to be the main character in yours. You can’t always understand someone unless you’ve walked a day in their shoes.

Remember that

you are you.

they are them.

and that’s okay.

Mornings

I think my favorite thing about mornings is that feeling of a fresh start. You know, when yesterday is behind you and you snuggle up with a nice hot cup of coffee on your couch with a blanket looking forward to the day. Of course I’m talking about the days where I wake up hopeful and grateful for everything I have. Sometimes, it’s hard to see the positive things about mornings and leaving the warm, cozy bed becomes almost an impossible task. But why is it so hard? Maybe because we’re too focused on problems and thoughts from yesterday. Today was a good morning despite my sleepless night, I am hopeful and know that everything will be alright. No matter how bad nights can be, the morning is always there to kiss you awake and give you a second chance. Don’t waste it. Don’t have your mindset dictated by all of your yesterdays. That doesn’t push you forward, it just leaves you in a state of dread and despair.

Today is a new day, remember that. I don’t care what you did yesterday and neither does the new day. Start living in the moment and stop living for yesterday. It’s impossible to move backwards, there’s only right now.

The tea I buy comes with little inspiring quotes on each bag of tea. My tea bag this morning read:

“The gate to happiness is self-compassion”

If you can forgive someone you love for whatever they may have done in the past, then forgive yourself for those things you beat yourself up about constantly. Learn and move forward to greater things.

Every day is a fresh start so grab your coffee, take a deep breath and say to yourself:

“It’s a new day. I got this. I will forgive myself for yesterday and live today as if it’s a second chance.”

You’re gonna be okay. Breathe. I believe in you.

12 AM Thoughts

Laying in bed at 12:30 AM. School tomorrow. So many things to do and say and believe, it gets so overwhelming sometimes. After one thought, it’s like they all come crashing in and soon enough you have insomnia and nothing is right in the world. What if my grades aren’t going to be good enough? What if my life doesn’t play out the way I’ve planned it inside of my head? What then? What will I do with my life? How will I survive? Will there even be a point? Like I said, it’s scary how easy my mind slips into worries and false perceptions of life and myself. If you experience this, which I’m sure we all do at some point, you’re not alone and you know exactly what thoughts I’m talking about. The simplest yet so complex questions that leave you in a vulnerable state of confusion and “is this really worth it?”.

Of course these things are usually exaggerated and some are just legitimately unknown to everyone and we may never know, and that’s what leads to deeper depth in thought but maybe some things are meant to be mysterious. Isn’t that what makes life such a wonderfully fragile thing?

Stop worrying so much about the future, I would say it’s a waste of time but it has some importance obviously (stay in school kids). My point is that overthinking doesn’t help whatever the issue, concept, etc. you may be thinking about, especially if you cannot change it, all you can do is just acknowledge it (so it doesn’t come back and hit you even harder later, it’s healthy for your thoughts to be accepted as they come and go) and then just simply let it be. It sounds very easy and straight forward but doing that is difficult when you can’t completely control where your mind wanders to all of the time, so take it in small steps. Doing little things that become habit and overtime change your entire outlook on how you perceive these negative, unnecessary, sleep disrupting thoughts. Start reassuring yourself saying things like “I’m literally worrying about something I cannot change, what am I doing? I can’t control it so I will not let it control me and my inner peace.”or “I can’t do anything right now except take care of myself, sleep and hope for the best. I’m doing great, no matter the outcome I will persevere and learn  more because of it.”.

Nothing is useless. Let me repeat, NOTHING is USELESS. Every issue, conversation, person you meet etc. can be a lesson learned or at the very least, an experience. You gain at least something from everything. My life motto is:
“Focus on the little things.”

Everything adds up eventually.

Live in the moment and take each thought with a grain of salt, and reassure yourself that you’re gonna be okay, you’re doing the best you can.

The moment you let go and just let everything be, things will slowly fall into place and you’ll most definitely be much happier.

Get some rest tonight, you need it.

Surviving Through Mental Illness

I want to start this off by saying I am only 16 years old. Just a young kid in high school working their butt off to get homework done so they can get a high GPA and graduate on time. Something that isn’t that unusual for teens to stress about, but for me it gets even more intense than just the usual anxiety of getting work done and caring what other people think about me. It gets so difficult for me to leave my bed in the morning and not because I hate school or am too tired from lack of sleep, but because I have a mental illness. Multiple mental illnesses actually that make my life a living hell and people don’t even know the half of the stress my own mind puts me under because there’s no visual evidence that I’m suffering.

Imagine waking up on a Monday morning as a teenager about to get ready to go to school. As usual, any average kid would fight the urge to stay in bed and sleep for a few more hours but imagine not having a choice in that matter. Imagine being so stuck inside of your head that something is physically happening to cause you not to leave your bed. Your own brain giving you a paralysis of crippling anxiety and depression and it feels as if the world will fall apart if you set one foot onto the ground. It gets very hard to make plans with people, let alone get my work done and show up to school everyday. I can’t predict when my brain decides what day it will let me leave my house or even just my bedroom. It sounds pathetic but I am literally a prisoner of my own mind, which causes a lot of problems and relationship issues in my life.

How do you explain to someone the reason you couldn’t show up for your coffee date that you’ve been looking forward to all week was because your mind didn’t let you? Your chemically imbalanced brain holding you back made it impossible and you can’t even find a valid reasoning of why other than the fact that you are diseased. Metaphorical chains are just as strong as real ones but no one takes you seriously when they have no physical evidence. How am I supposed to show people I am hurting when there’s no bleeding wounds? It’s as if I am walking around with broken limbs while everyone around me is forcing me to walk when it isn’t physically possible. I don’t blame them. How could I when it’s all happening inside of me?

Unless you have a mental illness or have experienced one yourself, you will not understand. I’ve accepted the fact that no one can understand unless they have been through it. The fact that they don’t just makes me feel like a burden. An outcast. A waste of space that can’t do anything correctly.

Let me tell you something if you have a mental illness: YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN. YOU ARE NOT YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS. You are you and you are not useless. Don’t let it define you but don’t push it aside either. Don’t avoid it or pretend it isn’t there. Embrace it no matter how bizarre that may sound, pretend it’s your super power. It isn’t easy and I know that, trust me, I know that. Instead of saying that you can’t do something because of your mental illness, remember that you can do so many things despite it. If you got out of bed this morning I am proud of you. That crap is hard sometimes. Accepting your illness and pushing past it is probably one of the hardest things you will ever do.

I don’t know if this helps in any way, or if it was pointless for you personally, but having a mental illness doesn’t mean you can’t live. If you do have one or think you might, don’t let it take over your life and your self worth. Get the help you deserve, because you need it just as much as someone with a broken leg needs it. And if you’re close to someone with a mental illness, let them know you’re there for them if they need anything and try not to blame yourself for what they’re going through.

Mental illness isn’t something that gets fixed overnight so just take it step by step and reward yourself for the little things. Making a cup of coffee, going on a movie date with a friend, brushing your teeth when you didn’t feel like getting out of bed but hey, at least you have clean teeth. Take pride in the little things because they add up. Life is more than just schoolwork getting done and getting paid. It’s taking pride in who you are and what you have overcome and living every day like it’s your last. It’s taking care of yourself and knowing you aren’t alone because there are millions of people out there that are struggling too. It’s surviving through the day and remembering how strong you are for getting out of bed this morning. I’m proud of you.